There’s a certain pain that only family can cause. It’s quiet. It’s confusing. And it’s often invisible to those outside your bloodline.
Because when it’s family, when it’s someone who “loves” you, the rules feel different. The guilt hits harder. The silence cuts deeper. And walking away? That feels almost like betrayal.
But here’s the uncomfortable truth: just because someone is family doesn’t mean they are entitled to hurt you.
Setting boundaries with toxic family members isn’t selfish. It’s survival.
But They’re Family…
This phrase has been weaponised for generations. It’s the guilt loop that traps so many into tolerating pain for the sake of peace.
Psychologists call this “familiar obligation bias” — the tendency to over-prioritise family bonds even when they become dysfunctional. In a 2021 study by Psychology Today, clinical psychologist Dr. Peg Streep wrote, “Many adult children maintain contact with toxic parents out of guilt, not love. And it can derail their mental health.”
Here’s what this can look like:
- Being constantly criticised for your choices.
- Having your emotional boundaries dismissed as overreacting.
- Enduring passive-aggressive remarks or emotional blackmail.
- Being expected to “keep the peace” at the expense of your sanity.
Sounds very relatable nah?
What Boundaries Actually Mean (And Don’t Mean)
Let’s get this straight: boundaries are not walls. They’re not about cutting people off for every flaw. They are limits — thoughtful, intentional, and grounded in self-respect.
A boundary is:
“I won’t engage in conversations where I’m being insulted.”
“I love you, but I’m not available to speak every day.”
“Please don’t comment on my body or relationships.”
A boundary is not:
Punishing.
Manipulative.
Done out of spite.
In fact, Dr. Henry Cloud, co-author of the book Boundaries, notes that “boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me.” Without them, enmeshment (where identity and emotion blur between family members) can thrive, and this often leads to resentment, burnout, and emotional dependency.
How to Start Setting Boundaries Without Burning Bridges (Unless You Have To)
Here’s a practical, research-based approach to building healthier boundaries with toxic family members:
1. Get Clear on Your Limits (Privately First)
Before saying a word, reflect. Journal. Ask:
- What behaviours drain me?
- What topics feel unsafe?
- What kind of relationship do I actually want?
Clarity is the compass that guides firm, compassionate boundaries.
2. Communicate Clearly, Without Justifying
You don’t owe long explanations. Keep it kind but clear.
- “I won’t be able to visit this weekend. I need rest.”
- “I’m not open to discussing that anymore.”
You are not asking for permission. You’re informing them of your needs.
3. Expect Pushback — And Don’t Internalise It
Toxic patterns are often intergenerational. Your shift may feel threatening to those who benefited from the status quo. Expect guilt trips, stonewalling, or even mockery.
This isn’t proof your boundary is wrong — it’s proof it’s working.
4. Create Distance, If Necessary
Sometimes, the healthiest boundary is space. This could mean:
- Limiting contact to occasional check-ins.
- Keeping conversations surface-level.
- Going low or no-contact temporarily (or permanently).
You’re not being cold. You’re conserving your peace.
5. Find Your Chosen Family
If your birth family can’t offer respect, seek it elsewhere. Therapists, friends, community groups — even online spaces like Reddit’s r/raisedbynarcissists — can provide emotional anchoring.
Your Peace > Their Comfort
Let’s not romanticise family at the cost of mental health. Loyalty to dysfunction isn’t love — it’s trauma bonding. And healing from that takes guts, not guilt.
Setting boundaries won’t magically change people. But it will change the way you show up for yourself.
It will teach you:
That your worth isn’t negotiable.
That love without respect isn’t love.
That peace is a full sentence.
And if someone decides to walk away because you stood up for your well-being?
Let them.
Because the kind of love that’s scared off by boundaries was never love at all.
Hi, this is Urna here and welcome to my writing space. I am a digital marketer and a professional brand weaver. If you have a story to share, I would love to hear it.Please follow, share, and let’s talk about you know… everything!
